Barber Boo-Boo

Long back and sides, a little off the top?

That was mine. But there were others who made the cut this week in our Halloween edition of Pause, Ponder and Pun. For example Moooooog split my gut with his caption of:

Shit like this is why I don't go to Supercuts any more.

ba_hutch (no link, sorry) cut me up with:

I really love my creation -- it fits you so well. I can see your inner beauty.

And "Lothario" Don buzzed in with:

She's picking my brain. She must like me.

But Leeuna scored a close shave with her winning caption of:

Will I still be able to do the comb over thing?

Leeuna, you be hangin' with Dufus! Congratulations.

US and Them #17

We are much alike, Americans and Canadians. We may have different political systems but they are both democracies. And those democracies are both headed by elected leaders each of whom are concerned about the image of their government held "by the people". And yet, we are different.

Like Jackson and McCartney our leaders are black and white. One's a liberal, the other a conservative. One is preoccupied with how the media treats him and the other could care less...or so he says.

Governments have a love-hate relationship with the media at the best of times. Before they're elected, governments court the media in the hopes of obtaining positive and favourable coverage. After the election it usually doesn't take long for the relationship to change. All of a sudden the government is wary of the media. It's like they've turned out the lights and they're waiting for them to egg their front windows on Halloween. Let me give you an example.

In the States, much has been made of the ostracization of Fox News by the White House. The president's communications director says Fox is less a news organization and more a communications or research arm of the Republican party. Interviews with the Fox organization are turned down; questions from their reporters go unanswered.

In Canada, the Prime Minister's office, who originally took a broader stroke, disdaining all media equally, now chooses to feign indifference. The honeymoon between Harper and the media was short-lived with relations between his Press Office and members of the Parliamentary Press Gallery going from chilling to frozen faster than a sonic boom. If that weren't enough, now the Prime Minister says he doesn't even watch Canadian television news.

Now either Harper's totally clueless or he doesn't want to see how critical the media is of his government. While I tend to give pause about the former I guess I have to go with the latter. It's reminiscent of the boy in the bubble or the emperor's new clothes. Or it's like the little kid who covers his eyes with his hands and tells his playmates "You can't see me!" I personally think he's going to ignore the media at his peril, come the next election.

Emperor Harper

Obama on the other hand takes a different approach. He's obviously seen Fox's White House coverage and has taken a bold step to do something about it. I may be wrong, but as an observer north of the border I think if any one's been marginalized in this debate it's been the television network not the President. And some may think, that in engaging in such a public argument about their right to access, that he's crazy. Yeah, right. Crazy like a fox!

In a Fox exclusive tonight Chris Wallace will not interview the President.

Ghosts of Halloween Past

I'm gonna cast my mind way back today...and at my age that ain't easy. As we approach Halloween a couple of interweb sites I belong to are cranking themselves up over all things boo-y. Theme Thursday has chosen Halloween as it's theme today and of course Humor Bloggers Dot Boo has got their freak on - literally - all week. Drop over to both sites and follow the links for some scary stuff.

Woah, woah, woah...not yet. Read my stuff first, then go there to get your monster mash.

Halloween in my day used to be the time of year dentists just loved. I recall one year, several months past Halloween when I made a trip to the scariest place on earth for me - Dr. Hacking - only to discover the kindness of my neighbours and two months of lugging their largess to school for snacks had resulted in 17 cavities. After 17 fillings you can bet there was a whole lot of shaking going on.

Yet if that was the worst that could happen, so what. We didn't have razor blades and pins stuck in apples back then. No, we had Tootsie Rolls, jujubes, candy kisses, licorice and Double Bubble gum. It was a whole other time. And I don't recall parents having to take me and my friends around the block. Hell, if you were six there weren't tricks. Only treats.

As an adult, I took my kids out on Halloween for years, until they begged me to stop. You see, I might have brushed my teeth more often but I still loved treats. (And after 57 Halloweens it's a wonder I still have teeth.) But when you take your kids around the block you get to sample their candy on the ruse that you're inspecting it for "bad things". "Okay, let's see. It's time to make sure there's no bad things in your bag. Nom, nom, nom." I was taking my kids round the block literally AND metaphorically.

Of course they're all grown up now and the grandkids are in the picture. Hmm... wonder if my daughter wants me to take the boys "round the block" this year.

*Photo courtesy of Late B(l)oomer

Pumpkins, Pirates and Princesses?

Welcome to our Halloween edition of Pause, Ponder and Pun. Good luck scaring up a comment this week, folks. See you Saturday when we'll take a boo at our winner...

When you're done here, check out Mad-Mad Margo, ettarose and Kirsten to fill your captioning fix. They've got some great pics today, too.

And if you're looking for more boo for your buck, check out Humor Bloggers Dot Com for more Halloween hilarity!

A Crappy Halloween

'Twas the night before Halloween, when all through our home
Not a creature was stirring, not even a gnome
The pumpkins were carved by the front door with care
In hopes the Addams family soon would be there
The children were costumed in orange, black and red
While visions of chocolate bars danced in their heads
Ma wore a kerchief, and I in my cap
Had just locked the door for a ten minute crap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the throne to see what was the matter
I leaned to zip up my pants in a flash
And inflicted on my hoo-haw a most hurtful gash

The moon on the breast of the woman below
Gave the lustre of mid-day to Elvira - she glowed


When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Father Roy with a six pack of beer


With a little young boy, who's name was Nick
I knew in a moment I must act real quick

More rapid than eagles my curses they came
And I whistled and shouted and called him names
Now Father you pervert, stop prancing you vixen
Is the the six beers why you're half blitzen?

From the top of the porch! From the top of the wall!
I bashed away, bashed away, he had a great fall
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky

So Father Roy ran off down the street
I've never seen any one so fast on their feet
And then in a twinkling I could hear myself say
Ma carved the pumpkin? No friggin' way!

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around
Down the hallway came Ma, I immedately frowned

She was dressd all in...nothing...from her head to her foot

And her clothes were all...vanished...the point's really moot

A wee little apron she'd flung round her waist

And she looked like a virgin all proper and chaste

She'd carved the pumpkin what could I say

The results of her efforts were there on display

Ma's brother Bob had joined us by now

And seemed to be arguing with his wife the poor cow

Her sweet little neck he held in his hands

And her cries encircled us like "battle of the bands"

He had a broad face and a little round belly

That shook when he choked her like KY jelly
He was tightening his grip she started to drool

And I laughed when I saw this, silly old fool

A wink of his eye and a twist of her head

Soon gave me to know she was certainly dead

He spoke not a word but left straight for work

He had a lift with a friend, some redneck jerk

And sticking my finger inside of my nose

And giving a nod murmered "So it goes"

I sprang to the john and exhaled a long whistle

Happy to finally poople and pissle

But I heard Ma exclaim, as I pushed with all might

"Turn on the fan" that smells a fright."

Drop by Humor Bloggers Dot Com all week for more Halloween hi-jinks!

Halloween In Canada - Festival Of The Very Stupid

The folks over at Humor Bloggers Dot Com are celebrating all things ghoulish and gobliny - with the odd zombie thrown in - all week during their Halloween Humor Carnival. In keeping with that theme, today I've decided to take a look at something that scares the bejeezus out of most Canadians...

Few people know of the Canadian connection to Halloween. Were you aware of the secret society in the Haunted House of Commons that worships at the feet of the electorate? Oh yes. According to that well-known and respected source of information - dufuspedia - Halloween has it's origins in the ancient political festival known as election which is derived from Lower Canada and means "sanity's end".

The celebration has some elements of a "festival of the very stupid". The ancient Lower Canadians believed the border between bad government, this world, and good government, or Otherworld, became thin at election, allowing spirits (both harmless and harmful) to pass through. The nation's ancestors were honoured and invited to form a government whilst harmful, sitting politicians were warded off. It is believed that the need to ward off harmful spirits led to the signing of cardboard ballots with Xs. Today this is known as "craps".

In Canada's last Halloween the following ghosts and goblins "crossed over".

Stephen "Kiss Me Quick" Harper - masquerading as a Prime Minister

Michael Enigmatieff - leader of the Official Nanny, Nanny, Boo-boos

Gilles "Boo" Duceppe - leader of the Bloc Heads

Jack O'Lantern Layton - NDP (National Demon Party) Leader

Of course the scariest aspect of this festival is the day after Halloween known as Save All Our Souls Day, otherwise known as the day after the election.

Sunday Funnies

Where the Wild Things Are opened in theatres last week and several political cartoonists, both north and south of the border sought inspiration from it. In Canada, the balloon boy fallout translated nicely into the political games the Liberals were playing. The medical marijuana debate in the States inspired a couple of cartoonists. And, oddly enough, as Halloween approaches, several cartoonists used it as a backdrop for their economic portrayals...

Speaking of Halloween, my buds over at Humor Bloggers Dot Com are getting their ghoul-on this week. Drop by to see what the rest of the crew are doing each and every day leading up to the big night. Tell 'em Dufus sent ya.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

This guy's butt ugly and some folks made a real ash of themselves this week trying to come up with a great caption. For example...

Knucklehead with:

See? Smoking does NOT stain your teeth!

Donna with:

Now that's what I call a butt head.

And Cat Lady Larew with:

Nobody ever told George that medical marijuana wouldn't work for sinus and ear infections.

But the winner this week has to be newcomer Jeremy from We Took The Bait and his caption of:

Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard attempts to calm his nerves before the opening game of the World Series.

Yeah, Jeremy! Congrats to all for their great captions but this week Jeremy be hangin' with Dufus!

This Just In

Today dufus goes behind the headlines to bring you the most accurate analysis there is on the interwebs, this side of Fox News. In this edition of noname news we bring you the news you probably can't use, and probably weren't interested in to begin with and spiff it up in such a way to prove beyond a doubt that the 10 minutes you'll have spent reading it is 10 minutes you'll never get back. Now, something I've always wanted to say: "This just in..."

Blago allowed to compete on Celebrity Apprentice - a U.S. District Judge has allowed disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to participate in the Donald Trump reality show. The show is going in a new direction this year. Rumour has it he'll go against Bernard Madoff and the former CEOs of GM, Lehman Brothers and Enron.

Gosselin kids suffer as pawns in split - well that's no surprise. While Jon and Kate may think they're a King and Queen, they're more like a couple of rooks. Check, mate.

Parliament Hill could lose heat - an exploding boiler left the seat of Canada's government and 28 surrounding buildings without heat this week. No problem. Members of Parliament usually generate enough hot air to heat the entire national capital region.

Phil Collins can't play the drums anymore - vertebrae surgery last April on his neck has resulted in his numb hands unable to grasp a drumstick. Must be hell at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Oh, drum sticks. Collins asked his doctor if he'd ever play drums again. His doctor told him, "Yes, sure." Collins replied, "That's great, 'cause I couldn't before."

Elvis Presley hair clump sells for $15,000 - good thing somebody had the foresight to snip it when they did. If he were still alive he'd likely be bald and wouldn't have any hair to sell. I don't know but I think whoever bought the locks got clipped!

Weakened Anna Nicole Smith fed by baby bottle in final days before fatal overdose - she's dead, Jim. How some celebrities live on in infamy beyond death is a grave matter. News comes Anna was so weak in her final days she could only be fed by baby bottle. Makes sense. She was so juvenile during her pregnanacy she continued to do drugs saying she was worried about the effect of withdrawal on the fetus. Uh-huh, yeah. Just who was the dope here?

"That's the way it is...and I'm rolling over in my grave."

Circulation Problems

No I'm not talking about a hardening of the arteries, but then again a congestion of this kind of artery may result in high blood pressure.

The Urban Dictionary defines "traffic" as: a collection of cars, all of which just so happen to have left for their destination at the exact SECOND as you and are in the same spot as you, at the same time as you, illegally defying the law of probability. Also an old band that Steve Winwood used to play in.

Traffic. It's the bane of our existence. Whether it's crawling down the road during rush hour or maneuvering in and out of road construction, there's just no avoiding...TRAFFIC. Here's a few lighter items for you to recall the next time you're stuck in traffic, that gives truth to that old maxim "There's always somebody worse off than you".

A little old lady was standing on the street corner waiting for the light to turn green when all of a sudden she heard a "beep, beep" sound. She turned to the gentleman standing beside her and asked, "My word, what the heck is that beeping sound?" The man turned to the old lady and said, "Madam, that sound is to warn blind people that the light is turning red." "Land sakes," said the woman, "Since when did they let blind people drive???"

A snail was crossing the road when he was run over by a tortoise. A policeman came along and asked him how it happened. "I don't know," replied the snail, "It all happened so fast!

One morning, a woman and her baby wee taking the bus. As she entered the bus the driver says, "Wow, that is one ugly baby!"

The woman is deeply hurt, and she takes a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks her, "What's wrong? You look mad."

She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

You shouldn't take that from him," the man says. "He's a public servant and should show you respect. If I was you I would take his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir, I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, You go on up there and get his badge number, and I'll hold your monkey for you."

A man was driving when a trafic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for not wearing his seatbelt.

For more takes on "traffic" motor on over to the the folks at Theme Thursday.

Pause, Ponder and Pun

This guy definitely has a problem. How much of a problem is up to you. Go ahead and leave a comment. I'm sure you'll make a real ash of yourself.

What Do I Have For Breakfast While Reading My E-Mails?

Dear:

AhmedHassan

Azeem Igwedo

Joy Mgobo

Sarah Kamel (aka The Princess)

...and the 437 Other Esteemed Members Of My Spam Folder

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to correspond with me. I am very grateful you have picked me to offer among other things:

a) the winning e-mail address in your fictitious but multi-million dollar lottery

b) a larger penis

c) your hand in i)friendship, ii)marriage iii) an illicit long distance homosexual relationship

d) graphic design services

e) the latest post from moooooog (HOW DID HE GET IN HERE?)

f) a foreign partnership in exchange for my bank account number

g) unclaimed cheque at UPS

h) to close down my Yahoo e-mail account unless I supply all my personal information including password

i) waiting for my URGENT response

j) 50% of the life savings of some woman from Ireland who lives in Africa (or vice-versa) with ovarian cancer who has "two days to leave"

k) 23 year-old Miss Chistiana from Guinea, Bissau who would "really appreciate if we can click together as one great lovers"

l) close to 400 entreaties from Ouagadougou Burkina Faso West Africa, the spam factory capital of the world, each offering me millions of dollars in return for me helping them get their money out of the country.

I'm overwhelmed by your largess and offers of friendship and untold riches. Alas, I am married...to a woman...and have all the riches I need to be happy and content, including a reasonably sized penis. Or so I've been told.

So please, please you useless piece of pestilent poop (except you Moooooog) stop clogging up the interwebs, and my e-mail in baskets with your useless and time-wasting drivel.

And NO we can't still be friends.

Yours in spamness,

nonamedufus

Matter Over Mind

So I'm sitting here thinking. Yeah, just thinking. And staring at this huge empty page. It's not often that the words fail to come, that the thoughts don't crystallize, that the jokes and the puns don't fall into place. But every once in awhile...it happens.

Often I write my posts several days in advance. Sometimes, when creativity is in full flight I've banked a week's worth of material by the end of the previous week. But today...

Today, as the words dribble out hesitantly, it's Sunday. I've got a post up today but after that...

It's that twilight period between doing the breakfast dishes and settling in to the NFL pre-game shows. First Chris Berman and then J.B. and then a double header of frenzied football. An afternoon of zoned-out bliss that will take me away from the pressure of the looming deadline.

But right now the pressure's on. I must fill the page...with something...with anything. God, an ebbing flow of creativity is almost like dealing with a cancer - an insidious, creeping and silent villain.

Scratch that. Nothing compares to cancer.

Rather, an ebbing flow of creativity is almost like...like...like dealing with bubble boy's father. Yeah, yeah that's better. His balloon wasn't the only thing full of hot air. Ha, ha, that's it! Or former President Bush he was full of hot air AND lacked creativity. Or, or, or...well you get the idea.

But, hey, Chris Berman's coming on and now that my creative juices have started flowing again and I've conquered the blank page, come on back tomorrow to see where my creativity takes me. I...could...go...all...the...way.

###

Hey! Head on over to Slings and Arrows, my political satire blog for a chuckle or two. See what all the fuss is about. You'll be glad you did.

Sunday Funnies

It was an interesting week, last week, in the funny papers. Political cartoonists were still taking a jab at Obama, his peace prize, and bombing the moon. The Canadian dollar gained ground on it's American counterpart last week achieving almost equal value. And while Canada may not got the Phoenix Coyotes, there was a rumour last week the NHL may well resurrect the Quebec Nordiques. Vive la difference! Oh, and Rush Limbaugh (great football name) was turned down in his efforts to own the St. Louis Rams. Just as well. No one saw him as a minority owner!

Awards

TA - DAH!!!

Can you guess what these are? Melted frisbees? Coins a little kid left on the railway track? Pancakes left out in the sun? Nope, nope and nope. They were unveiled Thursday as the gold, silver and bronze medals for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Like 'em or not they're certainly different. Me? I like 'em. They're kinda cool.

Speaking of awards, another week, another awards day Saturday. Boy the captions were good this week. It was even tough picking Honourable Mentions. I was a little fuzzy on this pic myself. It was an arresting image, to say the least. But the winner screamed out at me like a siren. *rolls eyes*

This week's HM's go to:

Carl Vine said...

The L.A. Police, in an effort to soften their bad-boy image, are testing a fleet of prototype vehicles. Here, Officer Golstrom demonstrates a model with a convenient donut basket.

CatLadyLarew said...

George was delighted to be accepted into the Barbie Police Academy. He gets his pink uniform next week.

Nooter said...

eric estrada fail

Brian Miller said...

due to the budget crunch...police have downsized their pursuit vehicles...the reduction in crime is attributed to suspects laughing to death.

But our hands-up winner this week has got to be Joel Klebanoff who hit me where I live, with:

The Aylmer, Quebec police force has had to make a few cutbacks.

Little does Joel - or anybody else - know but the Aylmer police force is suffering through cutbacks and have been working without a contract for two years. They wear camouflage pants and jeans to express their displeasure.

So, Joel, congratulations dude. You be hangin' with dufus!!!

And now it's my pleasure to acknowledge a few recognitions from my peers this week. Frank Lee Mei Dear enjoyed my political satire posts Slings and Arrows and slipped me this Your Blog Is Fabulous award. Thanks, Frank!

ettarose at Sanity on Edge went MIA a couple of weeks ago. Turns out she had to go out of town to attend to some family matters. A few of us left comments expressing our concern and you know what she did. She gave us each a mention on her blog and an award of thanks for our metaphorical hugs. Cool, ettarose.

And finally, I won Kirsten's Mom Likes Me Best caption contest last week! Again!!!

For the background to these awards and links to these amazing sites just click on the link to my awards page on the right sidebar. Thanks, folks.

To my readers: I'm having a problem today with hyper-links. Got a new MacBookPro and I think I need a tutorial. Please bear with me.