Sunday, November 30, 2008
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change! JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let's not talk about that, let's talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in America with a massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! -that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken...What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain... alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
merci Bernard
Saturday, November 29, 2008
The Wizard of Floyd
Look At This has an excellent post about Dark Side of the Rainbow (also known as Dark Side of Oz or The Wizard of Floyd). It's the name used to refer to the act of listening to the 1973 Pink Floyd album The Dark Side of the Moon while watching the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz for moments where the film and the album appear to correspond with each other.
The List of Coincidences between the album and the movie can be found here.
The Wikipedia entry on Dark Side of the Rainbow is here
The List of Coincidences between the album and the movie can be found here.
The Wikipedia entry on Dark Side of the Rainbow is here
Friday, November 28, 2008
At The Pearly Gates
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Dear Abby
ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language andViolence On My VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not evensure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been onthe pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriendshould share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discussmoney with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, andwhen confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said itwould never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy whowas raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how doI get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know hedrank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is goingthrough mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest insex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sexand he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
merci Bernard
John Prine - Dear Abby
Thursday, November 27, 2008
ACME Products
Remember the Road Runner? And he was always being chased by Wile E. Coyote. Wile E. otained often complex and ludicrous devices from a mail-order company - ACME Corporation - which he hoped would help him catch the Road Runner. They never did. ACME is thought to have stood for American Company Making Everything. You can see everything the creators at Warner Brothers had them make at The Original Illustrated Catalog Of ACME Products at this site
More about ACME and Wile E. can be found here
The Shredder
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand."Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?""Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button."Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."
Thanksgiving Quiz
You Are an Indian |
 It's likely that you spent a lot of time outdoors as a kid. You feel comfortable and at peace in nature. You identify with Native Americans. You are a truly helpful and giving person. You like to lend a hand. And while you do your best to do the right thing, people haven't always been kind back to you. |
Big Bird
Happy Thanksgiving to our Amercian friends or, as we refer to it here in Canada "All Day Football During the Week Day". We give thanks!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, and of reaching my full potential as a person.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Free Hugs
I'd seen this video a couple of years ago when it first became popular on the web. But until I stumbled across it this morning I wasn't aware of the fascinating backstory.
Sometimes, a hug is all that we need. Free Hugs is the real life controversial story of Juan Mann, a man whose sole mission was to reach out and hug a stranger and put a smile on their face. As this simple gesture of kindness and hope spread, police and officials ordered the Free Hugs Campaign BANNED.
This was You Tube's 2006 video of the year. It is still being viewed at You Tube and commented upon as recently as today.
The Free Hugs story can be found at http://www.freehugscampaign.org/
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
What's Your Personality?
While wandering through Lady Banana's blog I came across her story on the Typealyzer. The Typealyzer is an intersting site. You plug in your blog address and it provides a personality analysis of the blogger. Here's what it said about Nonamedufus.
ESTP - The Doers
The active and play-ful type. They are especially attuned to people and things around them and often full of energy, talking, joking and engaging in physical out-door activities. The Doers are happiest with action-filled work which craves their full attention and focus. They might be very impulsive and more keen on starting something new than following it through. They might have a problem with sitting still or remaining inactive for any period of time.
The active and play-ful type. They are especially attuned to people and things around them and often full of energy, talking, joking and engaging in physical out-door activities. The Doers are happiest with action-filled work which craves their full attention and focus. They might be very impulsive and more keen on starting something new than following it through. They might have a problem with sitting still or remaining inactive for any period of time.
ESTP is "Myers-Briggs" terminology and translates into Extravert, Sensing, Thinking, Perception. You can learn more about Myers-Briggs at Wikipedia, analyze your blog at Typealyzer (above), and take a personal test at Humanmetrics
And was Typealyzer accurate? Pretty much spot-on!
Playing For Change
From the award-winning documentary, "Playing For Change: Peace Through Music", comes the first of many "songs around the world" being released independently. Featured is a cover of the Ben E. King classic by musicians around the world adding their part to the song as it travelled the globe. This and other songs such as "One Love" will be released as digital downloads soon; followed by the film soundtrack and DVD early next year.
To learn more, go to http://www.playingforchange.com/
To learn more, go to http://www.playingforchange.com/
Famous People's Views on Sex
“What do I know about sex? I’m a married man.” –Tom Clancy“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” –Steve Martin
“Sex without love love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.” –Woody Allen
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” –Unknown
“My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.” –Bill Kelly
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” –Henry Miller
“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” –Lynn Lavner
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” –P. J. O’Rourke
“As the French say, there are three sexes–men, women and clergymen.” –Rev. Sydney Smith
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” –Woody Allen
“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.” –George Burns
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” –Matt Barry
“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.” –Drew Carey
“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.” –Unknown
“Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” –Woody Allen
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” –George Burns
“If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.” –Rodney Dangerfield
Fair Turn?
Recent Headline:
Now, to my way of thinking, this is only fair. After all, the liberals fled the Catholic church years ago.
Hip Canadian Music Trivia
Done by a former member of the The Tragically Hip, Davis Manning, this mural in a back alley behind a tattoo parlor in Kingston, ON, depicts the impact the band was having on his relationship with his girlfriend. In 1986 Manning eventually chose his girlfriend, while the band went on to become superstars in Canada.Originally not realizing that Manning drew the mural (thinking instead that a fan did it and that they were actually making it big), the band thought it would be a good album name, using “live” as an adjective rather than a verb. They named their 1996 live album “The Hip Live Between Us” after it.Monday, November 24, 2008
10 Best Canadian Musical Acts of All Time
Paste Magazine's Josh Jackson provides his list of Top 10 Canadian music acts. Being Canadian, this article in and American magazine/website naturally caught my eye. I don't know if the author is Canadian or not, but it's interesting to see other's views and opinions. It obvously reflects their individual taste in music. There are many groups and individuals to choose from. The 3 below serve as examples, albeit they may be a tad obscure to some music fans...
For example, I would have included Canada's "Americana" darling Kathleen Edwards. But no argument from me on the inclusion of Leonard Cohen, Joni Mitchell, the Band and Neil Young. The rest of the Canadian Top 10 can be found here. Who would you have included in this august group? BTO? The Guess Who? Chilliwack? Valdy? Lightfoot? Ian and Sylvia?
For example, I would have included Canada's "Americana" darling Kathleen Edwards. But no argument from me on the inclusion of Leonard Cohen, Joni Mitchell, the Band and Neil Young. The rest of the Canadian Top 10 can be found here. Who would you have included in this august group? BTO? The Guess Who? Chilliwack? Valdy? Lightfoot? Ian and Sylvia?
That Mars-Venus Thing
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.
He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
On This Day...More Or Less
According to the Uncyclopedia November 24 is Pete Best's Birthday Also on this day:
1601 - Pilgrims celebrate the first Thanksgiving. Pete Best wonders why there is no Thanksgiving in the UK until he realizes that The English have nothing to give thanks for.
1859 - The great prophet Charles Darwin publishes his manifesto The Origin of Species, predicting the eventual birth of Pete Best.
1941 - Pete Best is kicked out of mother's womb.
1946 - Teacher sends note home to Best's parents, complaining about his sullenness and unwillingness to play bass with other children.
1951 - Mother auditions George Best as possible replacement in the family.
1955 - Learns to play drums. Snares, bass and drumsticks go off and socialize with one another, leaving Best out.
1960 - Makes trip to Germany; greeted with cries of "Rammstein forever, Pete Best never!"
1961 - Plays with Tony Sheridan; burns Virginia with Phil Sheridan.
1962 - The Beatles record demo version of "Love Me Do;" original chorus of "We hate our fucking drummer" goes unnoticed.
1962 - George Harrison stares icily at Best during a performance; Paul McCartney kicks his drum set during rehearsal; John Lennon hires Brian Epstein solely to fire Best.
1962 - George Martin brings Ringo Starr in to shout incoherently over Best's drum parts; later uses it as an excuse to fire Best.
1962 - Best kicked out of the Beatles.
1963 - Best kicked out of house;
1964 - Best kicked out of England; Elizabeth II says her kingdom "wants to go in a new direction."
1968 - Best briefly kicked back into Beatles when Ringo leaves during White Album sessions; quits when he realizes he'll lose his job a second time to a guy named "Ringo."
1970 - John, Paul, George and Ringo join Best in the "Ex-Beatles" group.
1971 - Alice Cooper jumps from a plane and disappears, after collecting a ransom which includes US$200,000 and a Pete Best box set.
1980 - Best kicks it old school.
1984 - Fozzie Bear tragically dies of a heart-attack.
1991 - Seven years after the song was released, Freddie Mercury breaks free and moves to the Moon.
1993 - David Dickinson makes headline news after cutting off negotiations to be in the Doom video game.
1995 - Release of Beatles Anthology allows new generation of fans to kick Pete Best around.
You Win Some You Lose Some
Montreal did indeed experience quite a weekend. First former Montreal Canadien Patrick Roy's Jersey was raised to the rafters at the Bell Centre. Then the Alouettes hosted the Grey Cup at the Big O. And in keeping with being a gracious host, they let the Calgary Stampeders win. Montreal is the closest thing Ottawa has to a professional football team.
Dirty Mac
Not unlike much of what I discover on the www, I came across this video while researching something else. I was completely awestruck. In the late 60s the Rolling Stones undertook an ambitious project - filming a concert against the backdrop of a circus - hence the title "Rock and Roll Circus." But because of their unhappiness with the overall quality of their performance they didn't release it for almost 30 years. It was released on DVD and CD in the late 90s.
Here's John Lennon, with his all-star group "Dirty Mac". Keep an eye out for Yoko Ono in a black bag. Some music critics thought this was an excellent use of her talents!
Yer Blues
Here's John Lennon, with his all-star group "Dirty Mac". Keep an eye out for Yoko Ono in a black bag. Some music critics thought this was an excellent use of her talents!
Yer Blues
The Wikepedia entry on Rock and Roll Circus can be found here.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Imagine (That)
Yesterday marked the 40th (can you believe it) anniversary of the release of "The Beatles", otherwise known as the White Album. And on this occasion, there was the following news item:
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - The Vatican's newspaper has finally forgiven John Lennon for declaring that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ, calling the remark a "boast" by a young man grappling with sudden fame.
The comment by Lennon to a London newspaper in 1966 infuriated Christians, particularly in the United States, some of whom burned Beatles' albums in huge pyres.
But time apparently heals all wounds.
"The remark by John Lennon, which triggered deep indignation mainly in the United States, after many years sounds only like a 'boast' by a young working-class Englishman faced with unexpected success, after growing up in the legend of Elvis and rock and roll," Vatican daily Osservatore Romano said.
The article, marking the 40th anniversary of the Beatles' "The White Album," went on to praise the pop band.
"The fact remains that 38 years after breaking up, the songs of the Lennon-McCartney brand have shown an extraordinary resistance to the passage of time, becoming a source of inspiration for more than one generation of pop musicians," it said.
Lennon was murdered in New York in 1980.
The comment by Lennon to a London newspaper in 1966 infuriated Christians, particularly in the United States, some of whom burned Beatles' albums in huge pyres.
But time apparently heals all wounds.
"The remark by John Lennon, which triggered deep indignation mainly in the United States, after many years sounds only like a 'boast' by a young working-class Englishman faced with unexpected success, after growing up in the legend of Elvis and rock and roll," Vatican daily Osservatore Romano said.
The article, marking the 40th anniversary of the Beatles' "The White Album," went on to praise the pop band.
"The fact remains that 38 years after breaking up, the songs of the Lennon-McCartney brand have shown an extraordinary resistance to the passage of time, becoming a source of inspiration for more than one generation of pop musicians," it said.
Lennon was murdered in New York in 1980.
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Results
We think http://nonamedufus.blogspot.com/ is written by a man (66%).
We think http://nonamedufus.blogspot.com/ is written by a man (66%).
Found this on The Presurfer - 66% doesn't seem like a resounding endorsement of my masculinity. I guess it means I have a sensitive, feminine side?
No More Newfie Jokes
I guess you have to be Canadian to understand the signifigance of Canada's youngest member becoming an economic "have" province. This is a touching video that celebrates this development.
merci Danielle
merci Danielle
Dr. Phil
PostSecret is a fascinating website, updated weekly. It has received so many postcards, that it's spawned several books.
Thanksgiving Divorce
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they’re getting divorced," she shouts, "I’ll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
merci
My American friends will soon be celebrating Thanksgiving. 'Bout time you caught up! (And thanks for the all-day, weekday, football fanorama.)
merci
My American friends will soon be celebrating Thanksgiving. 'Bout time you caught up! (And thanks for the all-day, weekday, football fanorama.)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Cheap Suits
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Dallas, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each! Trousers $2.50 each!"Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Tulsa, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Oklahoma."They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Oklahoma, ain't ya?""Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?""Because this is a dry-cleaners..."
The Anniversary
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues…”Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years”.
“I remember that too”, she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today!”
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues…”Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years”.
“I remember that too”, she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today!”
Friday, November 21, 2008
Come Into The Closet
IKEA has a cool site called Come Into The Closet It's fascinating - an interesting way to advertise it's merchandise on the web.
That's Life
Anyone for BBQ wieners?
Personalized tatoo...
Who knew it would be a "flash" fire...
Famous folks...
How to tick off your nasty neighbour...
Rush hour just got more aggravating...
merci Marc
Personalized tatoo...
Who knew it would be a "flash" fire...
Famous folks...
How to tick off your nasty neighbour...
Rush hour just got more aggravating...
merci MarcThursday, November 20, 2008
Burger Bucks
Burger King has undertaken an interesting - and low-key - approach to drawing in customers. They're apparently dropping wallets in several large American cities and telling those who find them to keep them and use the burger coupons found inside. The full story can be found at So Good 
There's a 9% Chance That You Need Therapy |
 You almost certainly don't need therapy. You have your life under control - and things are going pretty well. If anything, you would make a great therapist. You have a natural understanding of human psychology. |
The Confession
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, “No use knocking, there’s no paper in this one either.”
Finally, the drunk replies, “No use knocking, there’s no paper in this one either.”
Doc Talk
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
merci Bernard
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Ten Reasons to Go to Work Naked
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
Fallen Down Drunk
A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...." 
Dog Dilemma
President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a White House dog.
In fact, he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate.
- Jay Leno
In fact, he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate.
- Jay Leno
Barack Obama says he’s taking his time picking out a dog for his daughters because he’s looking for a pet that won’t shed its hair.
Which is the exact same reason he picked Joe Biden.
- Conan O’Brien
Which is the exact same reason he picked Joe Biden.
- Conan O’Brien
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Your Pizza Says: |
 You love the food you grew up eating, and it's mostly what you still eat. You don't go for a big variety of foods. You just have a few favorites you stick to. Pizza Topping You Should Try: Sausage or Canadian bacon Stay away from: Anything you can't pronounce |
How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. TB said,
- "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then TB said,
- "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then TB said,
- "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then TB said,
- "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then TB said,
- "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then TB said,
- "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Merci Leaman
- "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then TB said,
- "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then TB said,
- "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then TB said,
- "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then TB said,
- "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then TB said,
- "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Merci Leaman
Monday, November 17, 2008
The Old Man and the Sea
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off". "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked. "Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook." 
Gordon Lightfoot Then and Now
Today is Canadian folk legend Gordon Lightfoot's birthday. He's hit 70 years of age!
The Wikipedia entry on Gordon Lightfoot begins:
The Wikipedia entry on Gordon Lightfoot begins: Gordon Meredith Lightfoot, Jr., C.C., O.Ont., (born November 17, 1938) is a Canadian singer and songwriter who achieved international success in folk, country, and popular music. As a singer-songwriter, he came to prominence in the 1960s, and broke through on the international music charts in the 1970s with songs such as "If You Could Read My Mind" (1970), "Sundown" (1974) and "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" (1976). His songs have been recorded by some of the world's most successful recording artists, including Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, and Bob Dylan. Robbie Robertson of The Band declared that Lightfoot was one of his "favourite Canadian songwriters and is absolutely a national treasure."[1]
If You Could Read My Mind
If You Could Read My Mind
The rest of the Wikipedia entry can be found here
Here is the Lightfoot Internet Companion
Canadian Railroad Trilogy
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Crappy Wine
Quite the opposite of the picture of wine above, Vin de Merde - or "crap wine" is anything but cheap. National Geographic relays the interesting story of one vintner's successful marketing ploy. And the BBC reports on "Le Vin de Merde," here.
Many more odd wine names can be found at this excellent site http://www.winelabels.org/ Here are a couple of them.
Words of Wisdom
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."-- Lillian (mother of Jimmy) Carter I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.-- Mark Twain
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- - Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury -- Groucho Marx
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.-- Alex Levine
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.-- Billy Crystal
merci Bernard
You Are Checkers |
 You are very logical and rational. You are able to understand what is and isn't a factor. You're able to compartmentalize and focus on the essentials. You appreciate simplicity. You can see the layers of complexity and beauty in anything. You are also playful and good natured. You don't take life too seriously! |
Breakfast Bonus
The other day I encountered a breakfast bonus. I cracked open an egg and encounterd two yolks. Apparently, about 1 in 1000 eggs has a double yolk so it isn't all that rare. And, in some countries, markets sell cartons of double yolked eggs.Throughout history and in different cultures, finding a double yolk has been considered to mean anything from an impending wedding to a financial windfall to a death in the family. I sure hope it's the second! I'm already married, and death's kinda final.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
New Alphabet for Old Folks
A is for arthritis
B is for the bad back
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure–I’ d rather it be low,
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket,won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia,in nerves way down low,
O is for osteo,the bones that don’t grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow,
V is for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know.
W is for worry, NOW what’s going’round?
X is for X- ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have — in my mind.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Eva Cassidy - Songbird
I've made a marvelous discovery. A Facebook friend posted a couple of videos by Eva Cassidy. I'd never come across her before. I was blown away. Here's a little about her from Wikipedia:
Eva Marie Cassidy (February 2, 1963 – November 2, 1996) was an American vocalist known for her interpretations of jazz, blues, folk, gospel, country and pop classics. She released her first album The Other Side, a set of duets with go-go musician Chuck Brown in 1992 followed by a live solo album, Live at Blues Alley in 1996. Cassidy was virtually unknown outside her native Washington, DC when she died of melanoma in 1996.
Four years later, Cassidy's music was brought to the attention of UK audiences when her versions of "Over the Rainbow" and "Fields of Gold" were played on BBC Radio 2. Following the overwhelming response, a camcorder recording of "Over the Rainbow" taken at the Blues Alley was shown on BBC Two's Top of the Pops 2. Shortly after, the compilation album Songbird, climbed to the top of the UK Albums Charts, almost three years after its initial release. The chart success in the United Kingdom led to increased recognition worldwide; as of 2008, her posthumously released recordings, including three UK #1s, have sold around eight million copies.[1] Her music has also charted top 10 positions in Australia, Germany, Sweden, Norway and Switzerland.
Too bad her greatest popularity came about after her death. She truly is a songbird.
#1 Song When You Were Born
Kay Starr sings Wheel of Fortune
This seems kinda racy for it's day! You can find out what was number 1 when you were born by going here
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Long May You Run
Many happy returns to the world's greatest rocker! Happy Birthday, Neil, long may you run...
In May 2008, after a biologist discovered a new species of trapdoor spider, he named it after Neil Young out of appreciation of him as an activist for peace and justice. The spider is named Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi.
Neil Young was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1995 for his solo work.
Neil Young was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1997 as a member of Buffalo Springfield.
The Australian Band Powderfinger is named after a Neil Young song.
In his suicide note Kurt Cobain quoted Neil Young's My My, Hey Hey lyrics It's Better to burn out, than to fade away.
Neil Young is 6'0" tall.
Neil Young's star sign is Scorpio.
Film Director Jonathan Demme made a documentary about Neil Young, called Neil Young: Heart of Gold in 2006.
Neil Young is a diabetic.
Neil Young was born and raised in Canada.
Neil Young astrological sign is Scorpio. edit »
Neil Young is # 83 on the Rolling Stone Magazine's List of the 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time.
The last time Neil Young toured live was in 2004. The tour was called Crazy Horse North America.
Neil Young has a new CD available titled Premiere which will include a DVD bonus.
Neil Young was voted 34th greatest artist of all time according to Rolling Stone Magazine.
Neil Young was diagnosed with a brain tumor in April 2005 and had surgery to remove it.
Neil Young wrote the song Ohio for the occurrences that happened at Kent State University, Kent, Ohio.
Neil Young attended Scott Young Public School, which was named after his father.
Neil Young is part owner of Lionel LLC which make the Lionel toy trains.
One of Neil Young's favorite hobbies is collecting model trains.
Neil Young currently resides in Northern California.
In Fahrenheit 9/11 Neil Young's song Rockin' in the Free World was premiered.
Neil Young refuses to do any commercials and he even wrote a song about how he won't do commercials it is called This Note's For You.
Neil Young was offered a million dollars to perform in Woodstock 94 But he didn't want to because of how it was commercialized.
Both of Neil Young's children were born with cerebral palsy. Zeke, Young's first son born with Carrie Snodgress and Ben who is the child he has with Pegi.
Neil Young is married to Pegi Morton. They were married on August 2, 1977 and have 1 child together.
Neil Young produced the film Year of the Horse. It's debut date was in 1997.
Neil produced the film Rust Never Sleeps which came out in 1979.
Many of Neil Young's friends gave him the nickname Don Grungio.
Because of his extremely long birth name, Neil Percival Kenneth Robert Ragland Young, Neil Young changed his name to Neil Young for stage purposes.
This Note's for You can be heard in the TV series 80s filmed in 2005.
Neil Young's music can be found in many different films. One is called Prairie Wind which is in post production .
Neil Young can be found doing his work under many different names. The Buffalo Springfield, Nash & Young, Crosby, Stills., Bernard Shakey, Buffalo Springfield. and Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
Neil Young was born on November 12 1945 in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
George Bush and the Pope
The Pope and George Bush are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
'The President' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the President says to the Pope,
'Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Republican in the crowd go wild?'
Pope doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Republican in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.
'That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.'
The President seriously doubts this, and says so.
'One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever?
Show me.'
So the Pope slapped him.
'The President' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the President says to the Pope,
'Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Republican in the crowd go wild?'
Pope doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Republican in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.
'That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.'
The President seriously doubts this, and says so.
'One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever?
Show me.'
So the Pope slapped him.
Merci Alec
POLITICAL SCIENCE FOR DUMMIES
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English.. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Merci, Bernard.
The Noisy Coffin
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night…when behind him he hears:
Bump…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER…
FASTER…
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…
and,
The coffin stops
merci
